I can't believe it's been over two months since I've blogged!! I read over my past entries and the memory of how much I enjoy it came flooding back. It's about time for an update, as this spring brings many milestones for our family.
I am a procrastinator and easily, very easily, distracted ("Squirrel!!" - if you haven't seen Up, rent it now). I tend to start a project then jump to another, then back to the first, and while looking for a piece of paper for that one, I am waylayed by a pile of photos or of bills I forgot to pay yesterday... etc. etc. This has got to be hard to live with. My stressed husband watches and frets that things won't get done. And sometimes, occasionally, he is right. I pay a late fee, or run out of milk. Nothing world-ending, but I get that a person who likes things nice and neat, well planned in advance, could be stressed by me and my last minute tactics. Now, I've been this way since he met me, and yet he still chose to marry me. I hope that my children, none of whom has a significant other at this point in their lives, realizes that relationships are full of compromise, and it flows both ways. I may think I'm easy going and fun to live with, but if I take a good, hard look at myself, I realize I may have a few traits that would be annoying... my husband certainly has one or two. Yet the good has outweighed the bad for almost 28 years. Wow, that's the lifetime of a young adult! Oh, yah, I have children who are young adults, down to the youngest who turned 18 this year!
Back to the title of this post ("Squirrel!") - the Supermom in me wants to be great at my job (which I love) and great at meeting my kids' needs, plus fabulous at being a life partner/wife, oh, and also a helpful and loving daughter to my elderly parents. The balancing and compartmentalizing of these roles is where I have trouble. If I put a lot of effort into my job as Teacher, my other compartments are neglected. I try to prioritize, but it seems someone or something is always neglected. My house is last on my list, people taking priority over a clean and neat home (and sometimes bills), and I have no guilt over that choice. It's always been that way for me. However, I tend to have such focus when I am wearing the hat of Teacher that I forget everything else in my life; it takes all my energy, mental and physical, to do a really good job of meeting the needs of my students and fulfilling my other duties for the school and the district. When I enter the compartment of Mom, inevitably my duties as Teacher and Daughter, and even Wife, suffer from neglect. I focus on and am sensitive to the emotions and needs of my kids. I feel guilty leaving my students with a sub to take time off to go on college tours with my daughter, but more guilty if I put work before family. I know I have made the right choice, but still... And while I'm out of town attending my college daughter's Senior Game (last home softball game ever), my dad takes a fall and someone else has to handle it. I'm not there for him when he needs me. (cue the guilt music; hmmm, what tune would guilt music be? Not ominous, like the Jaws theme. Maybe bluesy, not too sad, just soulful. Or soul, ya, soul music... "Squirrel!")
What has made our breed feel so beholden to perfection in all areas of our lives? Well, the females in our breed, anyway. Isn't good enough just that - good enough? I try to say "It is what it is" or think that my good effort beats many people's 'best' any day. Still, I carry the constant burden of feeling I could do more - more for my parents, more for my students, more for my family.
Super Mom I may never be, but looking at my children I am proud and happy. They are turning into wonderful, self-sufficient adults. They are choosing to spend time with each other - something I always hoped for as they fought like cats and dogs when they were young, and are as different in personalities as three siblings can be. Now if they'd just find partners who help them continue to grow, bring out the best in them, and adore and respect me...
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