Seriously, Hormones, LEAVE ME ALONE!!

I woke up this morning ready to cry and kick someone's ass at the same time. Don't talk to me, don't touch me, LEAVE ME ALONE! I have failed as a mother and I have no friends. My kids hate me, my life is over, I'm old and wrinkly and fat. Any minute now I will turn into a lonely, sad, old lady sitting in a room. With cats. I'm mad that my kids are grown, I'm mad that I've missed the time I could be a triathlete or the head of a corporation. I'm just mad. And sad. Terribly, terribly sad. I even had a dream last night that my cousins called to tell me their mother died. She's been dead for almost twenty years. But I woke up feeling such grief and sadness. I'm a terrible daughter; I don't visit my dad as much as I should. I bully my mom into taking care of herself. I am a terrible wife; I complain and whine, and don't try hard enough. My kids can't stand to be around me for very long because they can't stand the sound of my nagging voice. 

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN??!! 

I woke up yesterday and sat happily on my patio, in the sun, drinking my coffee and literally counting my blessings. I live in my dream house. I drive my dream car. I have a husband who makes me laugh and children who are not addicted to or selling drugs (or if they are, they are also able to be fully functioning citizens), and who are seeking or have achieved college degrees. Both of my parents are still living. I have an amazing relationship with my sister, and wonderful friends around the world. I am truly blessed. 

So how does it happen that the next day I can wake up in such a foul mood, feeling so low? Is it something I ate? Is this my true disposition rearing it's head, pushing aside my usual "glass half full" philosophy? Nope, I know, it's that bastard that comes whenever it wants now and smacks me upside the head; it is the bane of middle aged women, turning us into shrieking, crazy people who can't remember shit (I, the excellent speller, had to ask my English-language-learner husband how to spell 'shriek'. He thanked me and said he was honored but had no idea) and who sink into the abyss then soar to the heights of hormone-induced depression and ecstasy. Menopause, will you please LEAVE ME ALONE!

More Milestones

They just keep coming, and I can't stop them. Time passes, I get older, my kids keep moving on...  Every flippin' year I hear these words come out of my mouth - "Wow, so much has happened this year!"  And so it goes...those milestones roll right over me every time. I'm going to start calling them mileboulders,

Claire's college softball team, in 5th place in their league at the end of the season, came from behind to WIN their league tournament, meaning they move on to Regionals this weekend. It's like being in the finals or going to Hollywood on Idol. Only 64 teams out of ALL Division 1 college softball teams in the nation get to be in regionals. Even more amazing, at least six of her travel ball teammates from high school days are also in regional tournaments, each at a different one around the nation. I am so excited for her and her team I want to burst! Long ago I said we'd go watch the games if they made it, but the reality is that this is her senior year, so I've flown back to Chicago for Senior Day games, and then the Banquet two weeks later. Oh, and both her dad and I spent a week there in April during my spring break from teaching for a home stand of six games. I LOVE Chicago. The reality is that we didn't count on the underdogs actually winning (for the first time in 7 years!) and we are tapped out - of money and of energy. I tried, we waited to see if the games would be in or near Chicago (or on the off chance the stars truly were aligned, in California), but no, Cal is actually traveling to Louisville along with my Flames girls and another team. Okay, maybe there would be a last minute really cheap flight....Nope, unless you consider $500-1,000 cheap. Maybe I'd have enough points on my card to buy a ticket or two....Nope, used them on the last three flights I've taken. Then maybe my friend can get us standby on a flight....Nope, flights are really full, and there's never a guarantee of getting a seat on one anyway.

I'm a big believer in what is meant to be is meant to be, and things happen for a reason, so I've decided to stop trying, to stop spending hours in front of the computer screen putting in various routes (now if I just try one way to Louisville, no, maybe Indianapolis, then back via Chicago...) on various websites, waiting for that really good deal to flash on the screen. I'll stop thinking about renting a car or bumming a ride. I'll stop thinking this is about my daughter and her disappointment at her parents not being at her big games. Besides, I have another daughter, and she's got a few milestones of her own rolling swiftly upon us that I don't want to miss. Next week is graduation from high school, in a few weeks I will go with her for her college orientation. Then there is moving her into the dorms. Wow, boulders for sure.

This is about them, their lives, not mine. I actually don't have any recollection of my parents even entering my personal space much during my high school/college years. Except the day I got married, yah, pretty sure they were there for that. When I was that age it was all about me, my friends, and my boyfriend(s). Everything was a big deal, and it meant everything to me that my best friend was there. My parents? Not so much.

I know she'll survive and thrive without me there in person on the sidelines cheering her on. I hope that by now she knows, they all know, that I am always their biggest fan, from anywhere in the world. Not sure that I will survive, however, without some bumps and bruises. Maybe just one last look at Priceline....

Compartments and Super Mom

I can't believe it's been over two months since I've blogged!! I read over my past entries and the memory of how much I enjoy it came flooding back. It's about time for an update, as this spring brings many milestones for our family.

I am a procrastinator and easily, very easily, distracted ("Squirrel!!" - if you haven't seen Up, rent it now). I tend to start a project then jump to another, then back to the first, and while looking for a piece of paper for that one, I am waylayed by a pile of photos or of bills I forgot to pay yesterday... etc. etc. This has got to be hard to live with. My stressed husband watches and frets that things won't get done. And sometimes, occasionally, he is right. I pay a late fee, or run out of milk. Nothing world-ending, but I get that a person who likes things nice and neat, well planned in advance, could be stressed by me and my last minute tactics. Now, I've been this way since he met me, and yet he still chose to marry me. I hope that my children, none of whom has a significant other at this point in their lives, realizes that relationships are full of compromise, and it flows both ways. I may think I'm easy going and fun to live with, but if I take a good, hard look at myself, I realize I may have a few traits that would be annoying... my husband certainly has one or two. Yet the good has outweighed the bad for almost 28 years. Wow, that's the lifetime of a young adult! Oh, yah, I have children who are young adults, down to the youngest who turned 18 this year!

Back to the title of this post ("Squirrel!") - the Supermom in me wants to be great at my job (which I love) and great at meeting my kids' needs, plus fabulous at being a life partner/wife, oh, and also a helpful and loving daughter to my elderly parents. The balancing and compartmentalizing of these roles is where I have trouble. If I put a lot of effort into my job as Teacher, my other compartments are neglected. I try to prioritize, but it seems someone or something is always neglected. My house is last on my list, people taking priority over a clean and neat home (and sometimes bills), and I have no guilt over that choice. It's always been that way for me. However, I tend to have such focus when I am wearing the hat of Teacher that I forget everything else in my life; it takes all my energy, mental and physical, to do a really good job of meeting the needs of my students and fulfilling my other duties for the school and the district. When I enter the compartment of Mom, inevitably my duties as Teacher and Daughter, and even Wife, suffer from neglect. I focus on and am sensitive to the emotions and needs of my kids. I feel guilty leaving my students with a sub to take time off to go on college tours with my daughter, but more guilty if I put work before family. I know I have made the right choice, but still... And while I'm out of town attending my college daughter's Senior Game (last home softball game ever), my dad takes a fall and someone else has to handle it. I'm not there for him when he needs me. (cue the guilt music; hmmm, what tune would guilt music be? Not ominous, like the Jaws theme. Maybe bluesy, not too sad, just soulful. Or soul, ya, soul music... "Squirrel!")

What has made our breed feel so beholden to perfection in all areas of our lives? Well, the females in our breed, anyway. Isn't good enough just that - good enough? I try to say "It is what it is" or think that my good effort beats many people's 'best' any day. Still, I carry the constant burden of  feeling I could do more - more for my parents, more for my students, more for my family.

Super Mom I may never be, but looking at my children I am proud and happy. They are turning into wonderful, self-sufficient adults. They are choosing to spend time with each other - something I always hoped for as they fought like cats and dogs when they were young, and are as different in personalities as three siblings can be. Now if they'd just find partners who help them continue to grow, bring out the best in them, and adore and respect me...